A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Randomize
