She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
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