you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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