I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
Randomize
