Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Randomize
