i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
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