So she puts out... but it wasn't worth it
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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