What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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