we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
