I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
