I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Randomize
