remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
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