So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
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