I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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