My Higher Power is John Stamos
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
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