I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
honey bunches of taint.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
