Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
i'm watching degrassi (go figure) and the episode is about jimmy not being able to get a boner and now he's famous and rapping about popping pussies..i dont get it.
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
