Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
