I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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