So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
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