i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Randomize
