Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
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