I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
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I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
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Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
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