Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
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