The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
