so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
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If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
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My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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