im sorry i didnt take advantage of you..iwaned to
i wanted you to too
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
