Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
