My entire life is one complicated drinking game
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
