His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
one might say we're banned from that church
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
It's not a walk of shame if you run
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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