I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
hide the guitars, Nate just learned to play free fallin'
I skipped work to stalk him.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
