Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
I think i got beer on your cat.
Randomize
