I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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