I took shrooms, thc and molly but its okay i'm surrounded by freaks
I just saw a hot homeless man
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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