You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
