Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
Only a mothe r could love this liver
never play flip cup with pint glasses
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
oh well at that point I was already depressed with life because I had watched the bratz movie.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Randomize
