So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
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