and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Randomize
