When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
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Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
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My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
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