i wish starbucks made bloody marys
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
Randomize
