i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
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