just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
wanna go halves on a baby?
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Randomize
