I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
