I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
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