I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
you had me at cake vodka
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Randomize
