I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Randomize
