Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
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