You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize
