How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
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