Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
Randomize
