Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
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