Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
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