I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
