Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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