Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
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