Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Randomize
