She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
