I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
Randomize
