Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
Randomize
